Lesson #16: It is amazing what love can reveal

As a part of my Build Corps requirements, I have to do a quarterly reflection.

One of the questions is: Please describe a situation in which you had a direct impact on a client, a volunteer, your Service Site, or your community. Your description should clearly show how something you did changed something about the situation, family, or individual involved.

This is my answer.

I am a really intense person when I am in my element.  I talk a lot, I ask lots of questions, I get excited, I am overly positive, and I love whatever I am doing.  I like to think that most of the time it’s a good thing.  But, I am aware that sometimes it can be too much and I can exhaust a person just as easily as I can energize them.  This is blaring true the week that I move a new resident into Elizabeth Place.  I get so excited about all the resources we have, the volunteers who can help, and the progress that is waiting to be made.  I love to help people!  During this time, daily I have to remind myself to chill out and take it down a notch.  The person that I am currently drowning with all my energy does not share the same feelings; not even close.  The person that I am sitting across from practically screaming at in excitement is scared, nervous, worried, confused, and unsure of the decision they just made.  The person I am sitting across from is in a state of survival mode and this is all new and they aren’t sure if it is good or bad yet.  I struggle with this every time.  I try to explain to them how wonderful Elizabeth Place is, how much love is here, how many resources we have, how many friends they will meet, how much fun they will have but they just stare at me in disbelief.  It has always been like this.

Recently, I admitted a resident who was like this, but to the extreme.  Despite my efforts, she continued to function as if she didn’t have access to any resources.  I tried to give her options of ways we could help and she turned them down.  I told myself to give her time.  The other residents in the house worried about her.  They came to me saying that she was quiet, she kept to herself, and she spent a lot of time in her room.  I told them the same thing I told myself, give her time.  It wasn’t until one day I overheard a conversation in the other room that I fully understood.  One of our volunteers was offering to give her a ride and my resident accepted.  She then told the volunteer, “This has been really hard for me.  I have never had people in my life who have been nice to me.   I have never had people in my life who truly want to help me.  I know everyone is excited to help but I have to get used to allowing people to.  I have never had this before.”  With tears rolling down my cheeks, I walked away with a new understanding.  It is in these moments that I am not sure if I am making more of an impact on my residents, or if they are the ones making the most impact on me.

One month later, she is happy and the light in her eyes is bright.  She tells me she is happy and that she is proud of herself for getting here.  Her laugh is contagious and she is a loving soul.  It is amazing what love can reveal.

Lesson #15: I want to be the adult kids think I am.

Think back.  Way back.  Go back in time with me.

I can’t tell you the exact age.  You’ll have to figure it out.

But, if you are reading this, it probably is in the past.  It may be 2 years ago, 6 years, maybe 15, or maybe 30 or 40.

There is also the possibility that you still may be that age.

I would guess it would be somewhere between 4-18 years old.

I’m talking about the time when you referred to those over 18 as “adults.”  And you?  You were a child.  Or an adolescent.  Or maybe a “young adult.”

I’m talking about the time when your Sunday School teacher… He was awesome!  Remember that time you learned about advent and he helped you make an advent wreath?

I’m talking about the time when your basketball coach… She was the best!  Remember that time she stayed after to help you practice your free throws?  And when you made your first one during a game she cried?

I’m talking about the time when your school teacher… He was so smart!  He knew it all!  Remember that homework he helped you with when you just could not get it!  Then he high fived you when you got an A!  BUT, he was cool enough to not tell anyone about it… It was your secret!

I’m talking about the time when your friend’s parents… They were SO much cooler than your parents!  Remember that time they let you spend the night after you begged for 10 minutes!!

I’m talking about the time when your bus driver… He was a fun guy to talk to!  Remember that time you woke up on the bus and his smiling face was there to tell you it was okay, but it was time to get off the bus now and go to school.

I’m talking about the time when your dentist… Well no, never mind.  No one likes the dentist.

But you get my point.  Adults were awesome!  You couldn’t wait to grow up and be just like them!  They had cool jobs, they were always nice, they helped you when you needed it, and you could always trust them.

I remember that time.  I was fortunate to have a childhood filled with memories such as these.  We are all not blessed with such fond memories of adults.  But, I encourage you, even if it is hard to think of just one, try to think of one.  One adult who was, for lack of better words, the coolest ever!

Now, as an “adult” I see that in the kids in my life.  I have babysat SO many children.  I have cousins and nieces and nephews.  I work in a home with children.  There are lots of kiddos in my life.  And (most of the time) they think I am the coolest ever!  They are under this allusion that I make no mistakes, I have no fear, I know everything, and I can always help them.

Which, is pretty cool.

But, so far from the truth.  So, so far from the truth.

I cannot explain to them how far from the truth this is.  I have tried (really, I have!) and they can’t comprehend it.

The little girl I babysit could not believe that I was EVER afraid of anything when we were confronting her fear of the dark together.

As we grow, we find out the truth.  We find out adults are not perfect.

It’s easy to accept that truth at first.  We find out that the idea of adults is not what we thought.  We begin to watch the news, we read the newspapers, we start to look into jobs that expose us to reality.  But, it is easy to realize that this man we have never known, who is supposed to be an adult, isn’t perfect.

What is hard is when we realize that our childhood Sunday School teacher isn’t perfect.

What is hard is when we realize that our childhood coach isn’t perfect.

What is hard is when we realize that our childhood bus driver, our friend’s parents, our family members, our fellow church members, our fellow co-workers aren’t perfect.

These adults that we have looked up to our whole life, these adults who we put on a pedestal, these adults we swore were flawless, are.

I’m not talking about the silly stuff, either. I’m not talking about seeing them run into Kohl’s the day after bills are due to pay their bill.  I’m not talking about hearing about them having one too many drinks last weekend.  I’m not talking about them slipping the F bomb on you one day.

I also am not talking about accidents.  I’m not talking about snapping at your co-worker after a long all nighter with the baby who won’t sleep.  I’m not talking about getting frustrated and in the heat of the moment saying things you later regret.  I’m not talking about accidents.

I’m talking about imperfection on a much deeper level.  Imperfection that is planned, thought out, long lasting, and purposeful.  I’m talking about the kind of thing that makes your stomach hurt so bad you want to toss your cookies for relief.

Has this happened to you? Is it just me?

Maybe I am not being clear enough.

When you are young, you are taught, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all.  Or what about, treat others the way you want to be treated.

Growing up in church, I also learned to love everyone.  Everyone is my neighbor, God told us to love our neighbor, so love everyone.

I’m talking about when the adults who have drilled these types of morals and beliefs in your head, betray them in every sense of the word.

The adults who are still saying those words to the children in their lives.  They lecture the same lecture.

The adults who formed you, shaped you, molded you, and made you the amazing person you are completely went against everything they told you.

 That kind of imperfection.

 Why?  Why can’t we be the adults the kids think we are?  Why can’t we practice what we preach?

 I’m not asking for perfection. I am not asking for flawless robots that make no mistake.  That is not, in anyway, what I am advocating for.

 What I am asking is that we try.  We try to be the adults that our kids, grandkids, students, players, clients, bus riders, nieces, nephews, and cousins think we are.

 If we tell a child not to be mean to their classmate, then we must not use words to hurt our co-workers (and behind their backs counts too)

 If we tell a child not to make fun of their teammate, then we must not mock the beliefs of our family members.

If we tell a child to be kind to everyone, then we must be kind to everyone.

If we tell a child bullying is wrong, then we must not pull our resources to get our way, knowing it hurts others.

 If we tell a child that meeting new friends is fun, then we need to accept everyone, love them, and give them the kindness they deserve.

If we are in church, and we teaching kids to love their neighbor, then we must love all of the people we meet.

All of the people we meet.

It’s easy to love the poor, the hungry, the sick, the devastated, the orphan, the outsider.  We are trained, we are programmed to feel love for these… The “least of these.”

 What about the lady you sit next to in church?  What about the man in the choir loft?  What about the deacon welcoming you at the door?  Is it easy to love them?

My sister once asked to go on my Haiti trip with me.  I told her no, she wasn’t old enough.  Then jokingly added, you don’t have enough patience anyway.  And Haiti requires a lot of patience.

She responded, “I can be super patient on mission trips, just not real life!”

 
Values such as patience, love, mercy, and kindness need to be consistent.

True love, true kindness doesn’t just surface when we are under a spotlight. It doesn’t just surface when we are trying to impress someone.  It doesn’t just surface on a mission trip.  It doesn’t get to just be tucked away when we don’t feel like loving or being kind.

If we are committing to love everyone, to love our neighbor, then we need to commit.

 
That not only includes the orphans, the distressed, the poor, and the hungry.  It includes your boss who doesn’t do things how you would.  It includes your kids’ teacher who didn’t teach them quite the way you would have.  It includes your uncle, who once again, said something you don’t agree with.

It includes the church member across the aisle with a different ideal than you.

 

It can be hard, it can be difficult, but if we are going to teach our kids to love.  Then we need to love.

If we are going to tell others about Christian love.  Then we need to love.

Let’s be the adults our kids think we are.

I write this today because many different events, not just one.  Because of many adults, not just one.  The past couple of years have taught me this hard, hard lesson.  I have watched as adults who I grew up with or just met and looked up to have failed me.  Their mistakes vary in intensity and types, but it all boils down to love.  It boils down to the failure to love when the children aren’t watching, when the cameras aren’t documenting, and when there is no verse specific enough for us to follow.

I write this in hopes that maybe, just maybe, you will think about the adult your kid thinks you are.  The awesome, cool, flawless adult that the kids in your life think you are and that you will embrace it.

Practice what you preach, act out what you teach, and just love others.

No matter what, love