Lesson #16: It is amazing what love can reveal

As a part of my Build Corps requirements, I have to do a quarterly reflection.

One of the questions is: Please describe a situation in which you had a direct impact on a client, a volunteer, your Service Site, or your community. Your description should clearly show how something you did changed something about the situation, family, or individual involved.

This is my answer.

I am a really intense person when I am in my element.  I talk a lot, I ask lots of questions, I get excited, I am overly positive, and I love whatever I am doing.  I like to think that most of the time it’s a good thing.  But, I am aware that sometimes it can be too much and I can exhaust a person just as easily as I can energize them.  This is blaring true the week that I move a new resident into Elizabeth Place.  I get so excited about all the resources we have, the volunteers who can help, and the progress that is waiting to be made.  I love to help people!  During this time, daily I have to remind myself to chill out and take it down a notch.  The person that I am currently drowning with all my energy does not share the same feelings; not even close.  The person that I am sitting across from practically screaming at in excitement is scared, nervous, worried, confused, and unsure of the decision they just made.  The person I am sitting across from is in a state of survival mode and this is all new and they aren’t sure if it is good or bad yet.  I struggle with this every time.  I try to explain to them how wonderful Elizabeth Place is, how much love is here, how many resources we have, how many friends they will meet, how much fun they will have but they just stare at me in disbelief.  It has always been like this.

Recently, I admitted a resident who was like this, but to the extreme.  Despite my efforts, she continued to function as if she didn’t have access to any resources.  I tried to give her options of ways we could help and she turned them down.  I told myself to give her time.  The other residents in the house worried about her.  They came to me saying that she was quiet, she kept to herself, and she spent a lot of time in her room.  I told them the same thing I told myself, give her time.  It wasn’t until one day I overheard a conversation in the other room that I fully understood.  One of our volunteers was offering to give her a ride and my resident accepted.  She then told the volunteer, “This has been really hard for me.  I have never had people in my life who have been nice to me.   I have never had people in my life who truly want to help me.  I know everyone is excited to help but I have to get used to allowing people to.  I have never had this before.”  With tears rolling down my cheeks, I walked away with a new understanding.  It is in these moments that I am not sure if I am making more of an impact on my residents, or if they are the ones making the most impact on me.

One month later, she is happy and the light in her eyes is bright.  She tells me she is happy and that she is proud of herself for getting here.  Her laugh is contagious and she is a loving soul.  It is amazing what love can reveal.

Lesson #15: I want to be the adult kids think I am.

Think back.  Way back.  Go back in time with me.

I can’t tell you the exact age.  You’ll have to figure it out.

But, if you are reading this, it probably is in the past.  It may be 2 years ago, 6 years, maybe 15, or maybe 30 or 40.

There is also the possibility that you still may be that age.

I would guess it would be somewhere between 4-18 years old.

I’m talking about the time when you referred to those over 18 as “adults.”  And you?  You were a child.  Or an adolescent.  Or maybe a “young adult.”

I’m talking about the time when your Sunday School teacher… He was awesome!  Remember that time you learned about advent and he helped you make an advent wreath?

I’m talking about the time when your basketball coach… She was the best!  Remember that time she stayed after to help you practice your free throws?  And when you made your first one during a game she cried?

I’m talking about the time when your school teacher… He was so smart!  He knew it all!  Remember that homework he helped you with when you just could not get it!  Then he high fived you when you got an A!  BUT, he was cool enough to not tell anyone about it… It was your secret!

I’m talking about the time when your friend’s parents… They were SO much cooler than your parents!  Remember that time they let you spend the night after you begged for 10 minutes!!

I’m talking about the time when your bus driver… He was a fun guy to talk to!  Remember that time you woke up on the bus and his smiling face was there to tell you it was okay, but it was time to get off the bus now and go to school.

I’m talking about the time when your dentist… Well no, never mind.  No one likes the dentist.

But you get my point.  Adults were awesome!  You couldn’t wait to grow up and be just like them!  They had cool jobs, they were always nice, they helped you when you needed it, and you could always trust them.

I remember that time.  I was fortunate to have a childhood filled with memories such as these.  We are all not blessed with such fond memories of adults.  But, I encourage you, even if it is hard to think of just one, try to think of one.  One adult who was, for lack of better words, the coolest ever!

Now, as an “adult” I see that in the kids in my life.  I have babysat SO many children.  I have cousins and nieces and nephews.  I work in a home with children.  There are lots of kiddos in my life.  And (most of the time) they think I am the coolest ever!  They are under this allusion that I make no mistakes, I have no fear, I know everything, and I can always help them.

Which, is pretty cool.

But, so far from the truth.  So, so far from the truth.

I cannot explain to them how far from the truth this is.  I have tried (really, I have!) and they can’t comprehend it.

The little girl I babysit could not believe that I was EVER afraid of anything when we were confronting her fear of the dark together.

As we grow, we find out the truth.  We find out adults are not perfect.

It’s easy to accept that truth at first.  We find out that the idea of adults is not what we thought.  We begin to watch the news, we read the newspapers, we start to look into jobs that expose us to reality.  But, it is easy to realize that this man we have never known, who is supposed to be an adult, isn’t perfect.

What is hard is when we realize that our childhood Sunday School teacher isn’t perfect.

What is hard is when we realize that our childhood coach isn’t perfect.

What is hard is when we realize that our childhood bus driver, our friend’s parents, our family members, our fellow church members, our fellow co-workers aren’t perfect.

These adults that we have looked up to our whole life, these adults who we put on a pedestal, these adults we swore were flawless, are.

I’m not talking about the silly stuff, either. I’m not talking about seeing them run into Kohl’s the day after bills are due to pay their bill.  I’m not talking about hearing about them having one too many drinks last weekend.  I’m not talking about them slipping the F bomb on you one day.

I also am not talking about accidents.  I’m not talking about snapping at your co-worker after a long all nighter with the baby who won’t sleep.  I’m not talking about getting frustrated and in the heat of the moment saying things you later regret.  I’m not talking about accidents.

I’m talking about imperfection on a much deeper level.  Imperfection that is planned, thought out, long lasting, and purposeful.  I’m talking about the kind of thing that makes your stomach hurt so bad you want to toss your cookies for relief.

Has this happened to you? Is it just me?

Maybe I am not being clear enough.

When you are young, you are taught, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all.  Or what about, treat others the way you want to be treated.

Growing up in church, I also learned to love everyone.  Everyone is my neighbor, God told us to love our neighbor, so love everyone.

I’m talking about when the adults who have drilled these types of morals and beliefs in your head, betray them in every sense of the word.

The adults who are still saying those words to the children in their lives.  They lecture the same lecture.

The adults who formed you, shaped you, molded you, and made you the amazing person you are completely went against everything they told you.

 That kind of imperfection.

 Why?  Why can’t we be the adults the kids think we are?  Why can’t we practice what we preach?

 I’m not asking for perfection. I am not asking for flawless robots that make no mistake.  That is not, in anyway, what I am advocating for.

 What I am asking is that we try.  We try to be the adults that our kids, grandkids, students, players, clients, bus riders, nieces, nephews, and cousins think we are.

 If we tell a child not to be mean to their classmate, then we must not use words to hurt our co-workers (and behind their backs counts too)

 If we tell a child not to make fun of their teammate, then we must not mock the beliefs of our family members.

If we tell a child to be kind to everyone, then we must be kind to everyone.

If we tell a child bullying is wrong, then we must not pull our resources to get our way, knowing it hurts others.

 If we tell a child that meeting new friends is fun, then we need to accept everyone, love them, and give them the kindness they deserve.

If we are in church, and we teaching kids to love their neighbor, then we must love all of the people we meet.

All of the people we meet.

It’s easy to love the poor, the hungry, the sick, the devastated, the orphan, the outsider.  We are trained, we are programmed to feel love for these… The “least of these.”

 What about the lady you sit next to in church?  What about the man in the choir loft?  What about the deacon welcoming you at the door?  Is it easy to love them?

My sister once asked to go on my Haiti trip with me.  I told her no, she wasn’t old enough.  Then jokingly added, you don’t have enough patience anyway.  And Haiti requires a lot of patience.

She responded, “I can be super patient on mission trips, just not real life!”

 
Values such as patience, love, mercy, and kindness need to be consistent.

True love, true kindness doesn’t just surface when we are under a spotlight. It doesn’t just surface when we are trying to impress someone.  It doesn’t just surface on a mission trip.  It doesn’t get to just be tucked away when we don’t feel like loving or being kind.

If we are committing to love everyone, to love our neighbor, then we need to commit.

 
That not only includes the orphans, the distressed, the poor, and the hungry.  It includes your boss who doesn’t do things how you would.  It includes your kids’ teacher who didn’t teach them quite the way you would have.  It includes your uncle, who once again, said something you don’t agree with.

It includes the church member across the aisle with a different ideal than you.

 

It can be hard, it can be difficult, but if we are going to teach our kids to love.  Then we need to love.

If we are going to tell others about Christian love.  Then we need to love.

Let’s be the adults our kids think we are.

I write this today because many different events, not just one.  Because of many adults, not just one.  The past couple of years have taught me this hard, hard lesson.  I have watched as adults who I grew up with or just met and looked up to have failed me.  Their mistakes vary in intensity and types, but it all boils down to love.  It boils down to the failure to love when the children aren’t watching, when the cameras aren’t documenting, and when there is no verse specific enough for us to follow.

I write this in hopes that maybe, just maybe, you will think about the adult your kid thinks you are.  The awesome, cool, flawless adult that the kids in your life think you are and that you will embrace it.

Practice what you preach, act out what you teach, and just love others.

No matter what, love

Lesson #14: We are called to be foster parents!

Hello there!  This blog is very sporadic... But I have a feeling it is about to be much more consistent.  Well, maybe not.  I was going to say our lives are going to get very busy and interesting soon but then again... Our life is ALWAYS busy and interesting.  Maybe that is why this blog is very sporadic?

Lesson #14: We are called to be foster parents!

This is the biggest news I have ever posted via blog!  We are going to be foster parents!

To everyone we know, this is the first you have heard of this.  We have never talked with anyone about becoming foster parents.  It's like when you are for real serious about something you don't joke about it... Like when you are not considering getting married you joke about getting engaged and when you are an old married couple and laugh when people ask if you are ever going to tie the knot.  But then the day comes when you start to think about getting married and there is no more laughing.  No one jokes about it and if it comes up you quickly change the subject.  Because all of a sudden it isn't a joke and this is a for real serious topic now.  For us, this has been a for real serious topic for a long time.  We have talked about this for 3, 4, 5 years now... I have lost track.  If you are doing the math in your head, yes we have only been married 2 years now.  So, a long time.

Why now?  Well, God just has planned it that way.

See, in February we moved into our first home, like a real house with windows and everything!  (See that was a blog worthy topic... Especially when you consider the fact we flipped it and it took us 9 months to do it and there were so many before and after pics I could have posted and how fun it would have been to track it on a blog... Ugh I struggle with social media)

ANYWAY... We had lots of people help us... I mean LOTS.  We had people help demo, pull nails, paint, brainstorm, shop, clean, you name it!  One day I was thanking a friend who had been at our house painting several days in the past couple weeks and asked her why she was so kind to us!  We were giving nothing in return... Just our love and a billion thank yous.  After she stopped laughing about the fact that she is child free while she is here she got real serious.  She said, "I know that you will do great things in this home.  You will bless many people with this home and that is why I want to help you get there."  I don't know if she remembers saying this, but it has stuck with me ever since.  I bet I think about it at least once every other day.

After we lived in our home... 2 months?  We started thinking.  Now that we are in this awesome house, we have 2 bedrooms.  What can we use it for to use our home to the full potential?  How can we honor all the hands that went into making this home for us?

This brought up the subject of foster care... again.  So we started talking again.  Is this for us?  Well, Matt sees kids who are effected by the foster care everyday.  This puts a passion in him to help.  He works with the kids who are in the foster care system and he cares for them.  He has seen how a foster home can negatively effect a child.  And then there is the fact that he LOVES LOVES LOVES kids and who could be a better foster dad than him??

And me, I work with their parents.  Moms who have lost their children or given up their children because of the situations they are in.  I help them to fight their way back to self sufficiency so that one day they can have their children back in their arms.  I have sat with moms who have cried tears over the children they gave up because as their momma, they knew it was for the best.  Who can have more compassion for the parents of the children they are fostering than someone who works with their peers everyday?  The passion was there.  Our want to be foster parents was there.

But, is this the right time?  It wouldn't hurt to call and ask when the training was.  Maybe we could just look up the requirements and see if we even qualify.  It probably is too soon.  We have Haiti this summer, we don't know our job situations, we are really busy with the house still, but we can just check.

So we started reading and reading.  I printed a booklet for us to read and we read websites word for word.  We met all the requirements.

I called and asked for the dates for the next training.  After many phone calls and voicemails and wrong numbers I finally got the answer: the next training in your area begins at the end of the summer.

Whoa, God is good.

The end of the summer, after Haiti, after our jobs would fall into place, after the house calmed down (yea, keep dreamin!), and it would give us time to prepare.  All God wanted right then from us was to take that first step.  We were scared to death that He wanted us to go the whole way, to run the full length, but He knew we weren't ready.  I should really trust Him more, give Him some more credit.

So, on August 8 we went to our first meeting.  We attended our first training on August 15.  We feel called to foster newborns and we are so excited to follow through.  So the house that is called for a higher purpose will be used in its full potential.  That guest bedroom will be transformed into a nursery and the kitchen cabinets will hold bottles.  The dining room table will be a place for paperwork and documentation.  The living room will be a place to rock little ones to sleep.  Our home will be someone else's home while they cannot safely be in their own.

We have 9 weeks of training, 2 home visits, and lots of paperwork standing between now and our first placement.  Until then I will continue to read blog after blog and article after article to soak up all the knowledge I can to prepare.

But, I know that nothing can truly prepare us for reality. The reality of having someone else's child in your arms, praying that their stay with you is short, and letting them go when they leave.  Nothing can prepare us for the burdens we will help the little ones we welcome into our home carry.  Nothing can prepare us for the stories we will hear and the tragedies we will see.

But we can trust that God has a plan and that we are a part of the big picture.

"Spirit lead us where our trust is without borders... Lead us deeper than our feet could ever wonder..."

Lesson #13: New Year's resolutions are overrated

Hello all!!

So... what you  may be thinking is happening... is not actually happening...

No, I did not vow to blog more in 2014 and no this is not my big announcement about how you should be ready because there will be so many blogs coming your way as I learn all of life's lessons in 2014.

Actually, it is just me wanting to blog about New Year's resolutions and it happens to be the first time I have blogged in a while and it is Jan. 1, 2014.

Lesson #13: New Year's resolutions are overrated.

For the past week I have heard lots people having conversations about what their big change is going to be in 2014.  I have been asked, "What is your resolution?  Do you have any New Year's resolutions?" so many times.  I answer "No," and politely ask, "Do you?"  Yes, they do.  And they are so excited.  What is the most popular answer?  Get in shape, eat better, go on a diet, lose a lot of weight...  There are others too, but these are the most common.

And what is "on sale" in stores right now?  Work out equipment, gym memberships, organizing totes, and health cookbooks.

Let me clarify something first.  Getting into shape, organizing, changing your life = good things.  I don't have a problem with those things.

New Year's resolutions are what I have a problem with.  Well, not really the resolutions themselves it's the way that people go about them.

((Eating/exercising is just the most common and therefore the reason I am using it as my example.  It is not to personally offend anyone with this resolution.))

Problem #1: Every one sets themselves up for failure.

If your New Year's resolution is to eat healthy, awesome.  Great.  I am so happy for you.  But, you cannot go from eating pizza, fast food, frozen cheese dinners, and doughnuts everyday to healthy eating all on Jan. 1.  It's not going to happen.  You will run on adrenaline for about a week, eat leaves and protein shakes all while starving and then you'll go back to the way you were eating because "you failed" and "it didn't work."

You set yourself up for failure on Dec. 31 at 11:59pm when you declared in front of all your New Year buddies that starting at midnight you'd eat healthy.

Maybe, just maybe, and this is just a suggestion... You should have the New Year's resolution of researching "how to eat healthy."  That is step 1.  Then once you have completed that then do step 2, eat one healthy thing a day.  Then step 3, step 4, step 5....  Just a suggestion.

It always amazes me the giant resolutions some people come up with.  If you don't work out, ever, then starting Jan. 1 working out everyday doesn't sound like a path to victory.

Problem #2: Jan. 1 is not magical, it doesn't come with super powers, and 2014 is just some numbers.

This is more of the lesson and less the rant.  Problem #1 was more of a rant and I apologize for that.

You can change your life any day, any hour, any minute.  You just have to decide to.  The New Year is a motivation for change, I do understand that.  Fresh start, new year, first day of 365.  But you can decide to change anytime.

My big motivation for this is a conversation I had with a friend.  She was talking about how she eats unhealthy (horrible, horrible diet)  and hasn't been working out.  After talking a while she said on Jan. 1, 2014 she was going to turn it around.  This was like 2 weeks into Dec.  I asked her why not tomorrow?  She said, I don't know, I am just going to wait.

2014 is not magical, it is just a number.

It seems to me that it actually just puts more pressure on people than inspiration.  They are so caught up in the new year, their new self, and all the changing they are going to do and then it fails and it hurts.

I have some changes I want to make in my life.  I think it is part of growing.  But, I will wait to slowly make the change when I feel that I physically and emotionally prepared to make that change.  Regardless the date, time, or year.

I think that instead of New Year's resolution it should be called a step towards a goal.  Don't overload yourself, believe in the goal, and work step by step to get there.  Recognize what you need, want, and what you are capable of.

"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are."

Love,
Kandice

PS: My step to my goal I am working on right now is to make time to blog when I feel the urge.  It is relaxing to me and it feels nice to put my thoughts to words.  I need more time doing this.  Step 1: recognize when I need to blog.